Everyone loves Fai
by Mizu-Tenshi
Summary: Because who doesn't want him? Crackfic. KuroganeFai, ChiFai, AshuraFai, SeishirouFai, SyaoranFai, MokoFai, SakuraFai...you get the idea.
1. ChiFai

Another new fic from me! I've gotta stop writing so much. Please don't be offended by this fic. I'm poking fun at all pairings equally. TRC belongs to its respective owners.

* * *

Featuring Chi and Fai

XX

'Twas the night before Christmas and all were in bed, but this has nothing to do with our story, so let's skip ahead.

It was a bright, bleak winter morning that Fai saw when he rolled onto his back, rubbing the last traces of sleep from his eyes. Grey light filled his room, leaving soft, gentle traces on the floor. Birds were singing outside - a perfectly peaceful, average day, and in the face of a perfectly peaceful, average day, he should have known that something was going to go wrong.

He woke up to find that everyone had already vacated the house to search for Sakura's feathers. He supposed that they were still a little offended about what had happened last night, though he could hardly be blamed, it was not his fault that they could not see the sense in trying to stuff a live chicken down Sakura's throat. It had _feathers_ after all.

Fai rubbed his temples, remembering the wild chase around the room, the breaking of furniture and Syaoran shouting 'For the love of God, please stop!' as Fai had tried only to speed up Sakura's process of remembering.

Ungrateful idiots. They would be sorry when he finally went all Fei Wong Reed on their asses.

Sighing, he shrugged and walked out of the house to a cold field of frosty grass that spread onwards for many miles.

However, he did not get around to licking the frost off of the grass, as he was so rudely interrupted by the sky splitting open. It formed a long spiral in the air and from within he thought that he could hear a familiar voice calling to him.

Chi leapt through the swirling blue vortex in the form she had been in before her Fai had given her makeover. In her human-like form, she tumbled onto the grass, jumping up and leaping into his arms.

"Chi?" he turned, blinking, because what else would you do if your security net suddenly popped out of a giant vortex?

"Fai, my love!"

"…Beetrain?" he blinked again. He was very good at that.

"Eh?"

"No, nothing," he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He blinked for a third time, trying to discern if the person in front of him was really Chi and not some cheap cardboard cut-out courtesy of NHK. "What are you doing here, Chi? Is Ashura-ou here too?"

Chi looked down at her dress, wondering which bloody idiot decided to give her such a skimpy dress in a country that was _freezing cold._

"Fai, Chi is sorry," she said, "Chi was lonely, very lonely!"

"What about Ashura?" he pressed.

"Chi left a note!" she perked up, holding up a note that proudly said; 'Gone fishing'

Fai stepped back, disbelieving. Why had no one told him that he was supposed to go fishing instead of ending up at the dimension bitch's place? He suddenly felt cheated out of life. No, he shook his head, that was not important right now.

"What? How could you abandon your duty like that? You are _so_ fired!"

"Chi is sorry but it was lonely!" she looked away, her voice trembling and spilling with emotion. "That's why Chi came here. To find someone for me and only me, someone who is kind and considerate. Chi wants a…a real man!" she cried.

Though they stood on a cold, wind-swept field, tumbleweed rolled past them and into the distance.

"…So…why are you coming to me?"

"Chi came because she realised that Fai is the one!"

"I am?" Fai pointed a finger at himself, unsure if they were talking about the same person.

"And that Fai will respect Chi's decision to live in chaste!"

"I will?" he said, seriously beginning to doubt that they were indeed referring to the same person because no, he wasn't the world's horniest bastard in the world, he just had TLC issues.

Ignoring Fai's cautious disposition, she continued. "Chi has been thinking…"

"Oh God, here we go."

"Ever since Fai warped my body into a net in order to restrict the one person he fears more than anyone else, I knew that it was love! Ever since Fai left, prepared to never return again and left me without anyone else, I knew that Fai was the one!"

"Don't forget putting you in potential danger whilst I went gallivanting off through space and time."

She nodded vigorously. "So Fai will be with Chi? Forever and ever?"

He laughed absently, scratching the back of his head with a hand. "Well, you see, the thing about that is…Oh my God what the hell is that!?"

"Huh?" Chi turned to see what her creator was pointing at with such a look of horror stricken across his face. As she turned, she moved to face a clear blue sky.

"To your right."

"Huh?" she turned the other way.

On the other side, bright pink signs hovered in the sky, stating many universal truths.

"Gay porn found here," Chi read curiously, "Watanuki sucks - "

"To your _far_ right," Fai said, exasperated.

She swivelled around again.

Another vortex had been born in the sky, swirling and spewing grey mist onto the cold land. From its centre, a cloaked figure jumped out, landing before them with a regal air.

"Fai!" the figure rose to full height, bellowing furiously.

"Oh shit, it's Ashura!"

"Fai! I finally found you!" Ashura cried furiously.

"A - Ashura-ou!" he backed away, ready to run. "Now listen, I can explain! You see, I accidentally blew up your life-time supply of pantene pro-v!"

The king's face dropped. "You did what?"

Confused blink number four. "Didn't you know?"

"You imbecile! Do you know how hard it is to get hair this silky?" Ashura ran a hand through his inhumanly silky black locks.

Fai smiled warily, backing…away…slowly because there is nothing scarier than a homicidal monarch under threat of a bad hair day.

"I - I found you something better, something new! It's called L'oreal because…because you're worth it."

"What part of 'sensitive scalp' don't you understand?"

Ashura made to grab him but Chi quickly interposed herself between them, her arms spread wide in defiance.

"Do not touch Fai!"

"Oh great, you brought your little pet!" he sneered.

"Fai is Chi's one and only!"

"Listen, Fai, don't let that minx trick you. If you start sleeping with Chi, you'll start bedding boars and humping horses too!"

"Apparently, she wants to live in chaste," he replied dryly. Damn, he needed to get laid.

"At least Chi is Fai's shampoo buddy!" she retorted.

Ashura's stumbled back horror-stricken. His eyes positively bulged. "Whaaat?"

"Don't take it personally Ashura, it's - it's just a coincidence that we use the same shampoo," Fai held up innocent hands.

"Herbal essences. Every blonde's number one choice!" Chi grinned.

Stop.

Pause.

She shook her hair out, her blond locks waving in slow motion as they caught the sun. Glinting in the morning air, shimmering in the sunlight, she tossed her head from side to side to the slow beat of music. Oh yeah, shake it baby.

Resume.

Ashura's eyebrow began twitching. A very bad sign indeed. "I could have always bought more pantene," he seethed, "I could have gotten over you sealing me and putting me to sleep, I can always clean up those bodies from the castle but this - this! I will not stand this kind of betrayal!"

He made an attempt to lunge at Fai again but Chi, between the two of them, performed a series of complex Celesian martial arts moves known to most other worlds as 'kicking him in the balls' and grabbed Fai's wrist as Ashura keeled over.

At this point, Fai was more than ready to run with her.

At this point, he was wondering what the hell was going on.

At this point, he was also wondering is jelly babies could breed, but that was far from the point.

"Fai," Chi panted as they flew across the field. "Please, Fai, stay with Chi."

They stopped as the grassy, frost-tinted field suddenly burst into bloom. Wild flowers of all shapes and colours sprang from the earth all around them. Petals danced in the sudden warm breeze that rose. A violin played in some distant corner of the vast cosmos.

"I will, I'll stay with you forever, I promise," he whispered, caressing the side of her face. Pink petals swirled around them, covering them in a snow storm of blossom. "And on that note," Fai pulled away as the flowers receded back into the earth and the music abruptly stopped. "Chi, will you please become a brick wall so that Ashura will have to bull past you in order to get to me?"

"Of course!" she yipped happily.

Fai nodded and stood back, calling his magic to him. In a flash Chi was replaced by a square metre of brick wall.

"It works every time!" he cackled, running off into the distance.

Yet he did not get far before his shampoo-deficient patriarch was upon him again.

"Fai!" Ashura ran towards Chi, swerving around the brick wall in his bid to catch the blond.

"So people can go _around_ walls too. Ingenious!" Fai clicked his fingers, storing this valuable piece of information in his three-second memory for future reference.

"Fai!" Ashura had caught up to him in a second, using his 'super-bishounen speed skillz111'

There was no choice but for Fai to grimly turn around, smiling sweetly as he asked, "Did you sleep well Ashura-ou?"

* * *

As you've guessed, it's Ashura and Fai up next and yes, I am being paid by various shampoo companies to include advertisments in this fic. My first _deliberate _attempt at crack.


	2. AshuraFai SeiFai

Whoo, chapter two. AshuraxFai crack is hard and it turned out too short so I merged it with SeishirouFai and this is the result. A few minor changes done

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Featuring Ashura, Seishirou and Fai 

XX

Fai turned and smiled as Ashura marched up to him, grabbing his wrist in his tight grip. The grey sky above them and the frosty grass below watched on anxiously.

"Fai, you're coming back to Celes with me! I'll have you restock my shampoo room, if it's the last thing that I do!"

"Ashura-ou, let's be reasonable! It was an accident after all," Fai smiled and tried to innocently worm his way out of his king's grip but Ashura held him fast.

"How could you? Don't you know that you belong to me? Don't you love me?"

Fai looked at him incredulously. "How can you expect me to love you when you used to abuse me so?"

"Oh don't be so melodramatic! You've been reading too much fanfiction!"

"You kicked my dog! If that doesn't mentally scar someone, I don't know what will."

"Oh please," he rolled his eyes.

"Or what about that time you told me that jelly babies had jelly mommies that would come and beat me up in the night? I didn't get a wink of sleep!" Fai finally slipped his hands from Ashura's grasp.

"And you destroyed my supply of Pantene pro-v!" Ashura snapped back.

"Again with the shampoo!" Fai cried wearily. "I'm tired, Ashura-ou, sick and tired of coming second to your silky hair."

"What did you say about my babies? Don't listen to that bad man, darlings," Ashura cooed, kissing a tress of hair, though, in Fai's opinion, his golden locks could outshine Ashura's any day, _and _his hair smelt nicer. He did use Herbal Essences after all.

_Herbal Essences - Hair-care products that will rock your senses._

He sighed, folding his arms across his chest. "Perhaps you should cut your hair," he suggested.

"What?"

"Well, think about it, hair that long could be seen as a health hazard. It won't help you in a cat-fight and you might sit on it and hurt your neck, or get it trapped in a door. Or accidentally set it on fire..."

"That's what you think. It's really made of asbestos," Ashura tapped the side of his head and Fai decided it was best not to comment on that.

"Forget it, Ashura-ou, I'm not going back to Celes with you. Besides, it's boring in that world."

Ashura let his silky hair slide through his fingers in shock. "Insolence!" he screamed. "How dare you call my kingdom boring?"

"It's true though! It's all snow and ice and ice and snow, writing magical words that I can't even read, and _those stairs_!" Fai ranted. All those years of abuse, those nights spent cowering in fear of the jelly mommies, rose up and spilled out in words. "People think that our long life comes from our magic but it's really because it takes half a bloody century to climb up those bloody stairs!"

"Fai," Ashura said patiently.

"And why would I want to live in a palace that looks like the Toothfairy's castle?"

"Fai."

"And whose bright idea was it to have it floating in the sky? Do you know how inconvenient that is? Oh, let me just step outside and have some fresh air, but no, I can't do that because I'd plunge to my icy death and - "

"Fai!" he finally snapped. Fai stopped short and Ashura took a deep breath, steadying his frayed nerves. "I understand what you're saying, but this is what marriage counselling is for."

"We're not married yet, Ashura-ou. Besides, why do you need me? You have Taishakuten"

"Yes, but now he's being all 'It's not you, it's me.' Pansy. You and I, Fai, we should be together. Two hot men such as us deserve to be together."

"Yes, except you're insane and I have the emotional balance of a hormonal woman on Prozac"

"Exactly!" he breathed. Here he waved his hair in the wind, temporarily blinding Fai with the glistening of his impeccable hair. "There's something beautiful about our dark and secret relationship."

"Dark being how you kicked my dog and secret being how you still won't tell your mother that you're gay?"

Ashura looked at him sharply "Hey! Don't go there, Fai!" he cast him in his a murderous glare, issuing a silent warning but Fai, oblivious to most things, ranted on.

"That's another reason why I broke up with you! You may be inhumanly beautiful but you're too indecisive. Either you're gay or you're not!"

"There's nothing wrong with being ambiguously gay," Ashura spoke defensively. "How do you expect me to keep my fangirls?"

"You have to come out of the closet sometime, Ashura-ou," Fai chided.

"Well, what about you? Aren't you also ambiguously gay?"

"I thought that would be obvious," he replied blithely. "It's plain to everyone that I'm as straight as a rainbow."

"In that case, you should be with me," Ashura shook out his hair. "We have something…something exquisite. Something that transcends merely looking beautiful, something fiery and passionate, something amazing - "

Ashura rambled on, but Fai did not stick around to hear the rest of his poetic mumbling, he ran as soon as he saw Ashura fading into his own world. If he stayed any longer, it would be Ode to Joy next and then Ashura would submit him to an hour of Shakespeare.

Fai ran as fast as he could across the grey field, heading towards the woods. He ran past the bright pink signs that said 'Gay porn here' and towards another one which explained, in surprisingly great detail, why everyone was doomed.

He made a mental note to check back on that list but for now his attention was occupied as the sky was split open again by the third vortex of the day.

"Who says global warming is just a myth now, huh?" he yelled as he ran.

The vortex looked at him, offended, which was strange, as a vortex did not have any physical features. It made a sickening belching noise and a figure popped out, literally flying through the air. The man soared through the grey sky, landing in front of Fai with cat-like grace.

"Oh great, more inter-dimensional travellers trying to molest me!" Fai sighed, sinking to his knees. He did not think that he could take any more running.

The man standing over him wore a long black coat and dark glasses. Fai was sure that he had seen the man before…somewhere in Outo…Seishirou, he believed the man's name was.

However, the tall man did not seem to know who Fai was but he shrugged blithely and took off his glasses, revealing one blind eye. "I don't know who you are but you're hot so let's make out."

"I believe that you killed me Outo," Fai stood up, wiping down the grass from his knees.

"Ah yes, that's my greatest pick up move. It works every time," a light of recognition sparked in his good eye. "I would have also included a little molesting but I was pressed for time. Here," he flicked a card from behind his ear.

Fai accepted the card cautiously. As a child, his mother had always told him to be wary of strange, shady men, especially ones that had odd eyes, dark hair, a figurative pet tree and went by the name of Seishirou. However, he was sure that his mother had just been over-protective.

The card read - **'Sei owes you: One free molesting session.'**

"Don't lose it. You can also exchange it in for store credit at the Green drug store," Seishirou warned.

"I make it my policy never to make out with people who look like pimps," Fai said curtly, though he tucked the card in his pocket for safekeeping.

Seishirou laughed and placed a hand on the side of Fai's face. "Now don't be like that, you have such beautiful blue eyes. How about I kill everyone precious to you, baby?" and Fai, who had never been subjected to such romantic spouting, was almost unable to move.

"It's tempting but I've got to run."

"They always run," he sighed. "Even the guy whose sister I killed and beat the shit out of won't return my calls. Honestly, how many of his loved ones do I have to kill before he acknowledges my love?"

"FAI!"

They both turned.

Ashura was running towards them at a phenomenal speed but stopped short when he noticed Fai standing next to someone who looked suspiciously like a sixties pimp. He stopped and began approaching them slowly, exuding a murderous aura the likes of which Fai had never felt. "Who is this?" Ashura looked at Fai dangerously, his eyes barely skimming over Seishirou.

"Oh, a love triangle! The easiest way to solve this is for one of us to die," Seishirou nodded wisely "I think that should be you," he decided, pointing at Ashura, but the king was not listening.

"Fai! Why do you always run? Even after everything that I've done for you!"

"I get that. You stay up all night plotting their demise, stand out in the cold stalking them, you even work extra hours just to buy torture devices and where's their gratitude?" Seishirou continued to nod.

Ashura looked at him now, his expression less murderous. "That's exactly right! I spend lots of hard work trying to make his life as miserable as possible!"

"I find that sending death threats is the best way to a guy's heart."

"Like sending black roses?" Ashura asked eagerly.

Seishirou waved a dismissive hand. "No, no! Too cliché. I find that a horse's head works well."

"I see," he took a notepad from his hair since his hair was just like Mokona and held everything he ever needed in it, including bandages, food, and his pet hamster Jerry.

"And nothing says 'I love you' like horribly crippling the one you love."

Fai, was not sure why he found watching his king learning pointers on how to torture someone from a tall pimp mildly disturbing but he thought it best to back…away…slowly…

He managed to gain three feet of distance between them before Seishirou caught sight of him in the corner of his eye and turned.

"Wait!" he pounced on him, knocking him to the grassy floor.

"Stop! Rape!" Fai screamed, limbs flailing wildly whilst Seishirou did his best to keep him pinned. It was not that he minded a quick little romp, but it really was too cold out on the frost-covered field.

"It's not rape, it's surprise sex!"

Yet Ashura was proved to be his saviour as his shampoo-obsessed king hauled Seishirou off of him.

At this point Fai was not about to wait and see if they would begin Morris dancing or not. Gathering himself together, he shot towards the woods as fast as he could, running through the thicket until he stumbled into a clearing and onto a familiar face.

"Syaoran-kun!" he breathed and dropped to the floor, exhausted.


	3. SyaoranFai

Well, my computer broke down so this took longer to get up than usual but it's finally here. I think that non-crack SyaoFai could be quite cute now.

* * *

Featuring Syaoran and Fai

XX

"Syaoran-kun!" Fai panted; well and truly exhausted from having run so far.

Syaoran looked at the man standing over him, breathing heavily. He was about to get to his feet to greet Fai with questions of concern but the man shook his head and waved him back down.

Syaoran waited for Fai to gather his composure before he asked; "Fai-san, what's the rush?"

Collected now, and feeling more like his old self, Fai shook his head. "Nothing, just an insane patriarch screaming for my blood, that's all," he shrugged and sat besides the boy. They had time for tea after all.

"Oh," Syaoran nodded understandingly and whipped out a tiny tea-set from behind his cloak.

Fai crouched down on the other side of the doll's table as Syaoran poured hot tea into tiny china cups.

"Is everything okay?" he poured the contents of the sugar bowl into his tea and stirred thoughtfully. He always made sure that he had an almost lethal-dose of sugar everyday in order to keep himself happy and hyper.

Syaoran, being well-versed in Fai's eating habits, set aside a plate of Maryland cookies for Fai to munch on in order to stop him from going on a wild sugar crave and eating people's eyes. That was what happened when people did not have enough sugar.

"You look depressed, Syaoran-kun," Fai observed. Now that he was free from big, brooding men, he had time to work on his maternal skills.

"It's…nothing," Syaoran sighed in a manner that said that he also considered evil flying monkeys to be nothing and the end of the world was just a mild annoyance. He hesitated and then whispered over the mall table; "Do you think that I'm boring, Fai-san? Everyone says that I need a personality."

"Of course not! Now you don't listen to those other kids! They're just jealous because you're a hot version Indiana Jones," Fai admonished.

"I – I don't know," he did not look convinced.

"_My_ mommy always told me that I was _special_," Fai replied proudly.

"And look how you turned out," Syaoran muttered under his breath.

"Besides, you won't be boring for much longer," he continued, oblivious. Fai opened up the script, stolen from Ohkawa's desk after the girls at CLAMP had gotten a bit 'tipsy', and flicked ahead of their current schedule. "According to this, you go psycho later on…and molest me as well as Sakura-chan," he read.

"I heard that women liked jerks," Syaoran replied, abashed.

Fai smiled understandingly. Really, all jerks had TLC issues. "Here," he handed him a card that would solve all of his problems.

"One free molesting session," Syaoran read. "Fai-san…"

"No need to thank me, Syaoran-kun, I'm just being a good mommy," Fai held a hand up as if he had not just given away the ultimate present in the world – to be molested by big, handsome sociopath with a pet tree and inclinations towards fire – A.K.A Seishirou.

"Fai-san, will you ever stop playing mother?"

"Eh?" Fai looked confused. It was common knowledge that he was really woman trapped in the body of an arguably gay man.

"I was never good with words. I suppose that's why Sakura-hime wants to elope with Nokoru," Syaoran sighed. "I also think that's why Kurogane-san got the wrong idea when I said that I wanted sword training, I mean, and what am I going to do with this piece of junk? I was thinking of the other kind of sword," he tapped Heien's hilt grudgingly. "I also missed my chance of getting laid with Ryuoh-san because I was not sure how to express myself. What's up with him anyway? Ryu-oh-san? All those honorifics make my head explode and - "

"Sorry to interrupt Syaoran-kun, but is there a point to all of this or do you just like dragging people along for the ride?" Fai asked politely.

"My point is that from now on I will be open about my feelings!" he cried.

Silence. More silence. The tumbleweed that had rolled across his path when he had been talking with Chi returned to say hello.

Fai politely coughed.

Syaoran blinked himself out of his trance. "Oh, right. The truth is, Fai-san, I love you!" he declared.

Fai returned Syaoran's blinks. "What?"

"I love you! Take me now!" he gushed, suddenly unable to hold back the love.

"Whoa! What did you say?" Syaoran's sudden confession almost made him topple over. He had never known the boy to have been in the closet. "I thought that you were as straight as a plank!"

"You did? But didn't you ever wonder why I never made a move on Sakura-hime? I mean, she's been left unconscious in my care for hours at a time and I never even gave her the quick feel-up…"

"This is insane!"

"…Not even a quick grope."

Fai spilt his tea in shock, staring aghast at his adopted son. "You – you have an oedipal complex! It was Daddy, wasn't it? He put these dirty thoughts into your head! Mommy didn't teach you to be like this!"

Across the length of the table, Fai grabbed him by the neck; shaking him for all that he was worth in hopes of shaking some sense into him.

"F - Fai-san!" Syaoran struggled to breathe whilst his throat was being crushed by Fai's fingers.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this! You were supposed to marry Sakura-chan and then your children could know the eternal bliss of having four gay uncles!"

"How do you know about Yukito-san and Touya-san?" Syaoran wheezed

"I know everything!" Fai snapped. "Now revert! Revert!"

"F- Fai-san, I can't deny my feelings any longer!"

"I can't believe it," Fai released Syaoran from his grip in order to slump dejectedly over the table. Even eating a cookie did not help in cheering him up. "I can't believe that it has come to this," he shook his head, sighing.

Suddenly getting to his feet, he strode across to where Syaoran sat in two, neat paces. Standing over the boy, the skies above the both opened up and lightning streaked through the sky.

Fai grabbed Syaoran's now cold tea and lifted it to the sky. In one fluid motion he flicked some of the liquid over Syaoran. Shadows crept closer and the clouds rolled with thunder. Fai lifted the teacup and began his most powerful incantation.

"The power of Beetrain compels you! The power of Beetrain compels you! Return to the world of het and leave 'teh gay' to shady semes and androgynous ukes like me! The power of Beetrain compels you!"

Syaoran winced, shielding himself from the cold drops of tea that seared his skin. "Neither of us are getting laid! Consider it, Fai-san!" he cried.

"That's what you think!" he retorted. "_I _happen to be a lucrative prostitute. How else do you think that we find money for clothes?

"By selling our old clothes?" Syaoran replied meekly.

Fai laughed at the boy's naivety. More lightning flashed through the sky. "That's a lie parents tell you. Just like Santa Claus and the Easter bunny!"

"The Easter bunny doesn't exist?" Syaoran was crushed. "Oh GOD, why is the world so cruel?" he cried, burying his head into his hands.

Before he could follow with 'bishounen-angst mode' Fai placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Syaoran-kun, but it's time," he apologised.

"Time?" Syaoran looked up, hopeful.

"Time for me to get the hell out of here!" Fai yelled and, stealing some cookies for the journey, shot through the forest.

First Chi had arrived, shortly followed by Ashura, and then Seishirou had attempted to give him a round of surprise sex. Now Syaoran was spouting out his undying love to him. It certainly was an interesting day.

As the groaning sky rumbled and roared, the clouds decided to let loose the rain and Fai found, as he stumbled through he forest, that he was not entirely alone. A strange presence was following him through the woods.

"Bob?"

Yet it was not Bob or even his financial advisor here to tell him that his porn obsession was driving him into bankruptcy. It was someone else.

"Sakura-chan!"

* * *

You know whose turn it is now. The hidden sponser in this fic was Maryland cookies. Oh, and I don't use Herbal essences myself but I'm sure that it does wonders for blonde hair. 


	4. SakuraFai

Sakura and Fai was my hardest one to write yet. Though I do have a feeling that Kurogane will be harder still. Anyway, enough of that. On to the chapter!

* * *

Featuring Sakura and Fai

XX

Sakura looked quite astonished to see him bursting through the woods under heavy rain and Fai looked just as equally shocked, if not horrified, to see her too.

However, straddled in the rain as they were, they both sought shelter under a particularly large tree and Fai had a sinking feeling that they would probably both be detained there until the rain let up.

Damn rain. This would never have happened in Celes. In Celes it would have been a snowstorm and one of them would have frozen to death by now, solving the awkwardness of their situation and giving the other a food supply until the storm quietened. That was one of the few reasons why Celes rocked.

Sakura stood next to Fai between the large roots of the tree. He slid down the trunk, to the floor, and she did the same.

"Fai-san, you don't have a chicken with you, do you? That's good," she looked relieved. "Fai-san, I want to apologise for last night. I know that you were only trying to help," she said sheepishly, playing with the hems of her sleeves.

Fai glanced up at the grey sky. It looked as if it would be a while and conversation seemed inevitable and for once he wished that Ashura or Seishirou had not gotten lost so easily. After all, nothing lightened the party than a horribly sadistic, possibly violent seme.

_In bad company? Just give us a ring! Got nothing to say? Don't worry! We'll make the day we killed a few friends and molested a few men your number one conversation starter._

_The shady seme association - Guaranteed to make you angst twice as much or your money back!_

_Call within five days. Terms and conditions apply. Refunds are unavailable if you're Subaru. _

The rain poured down even harder and the clouds began to roll. Shaking himself,Fai returned to the present.

"It's okay Sakura-chan, besides, I suspect that chicken had bird flu," Sakura began to open her mouth in response but he continued, "I heard from Syaoran-kun that you plan to elope."

"H - He told you that?" she squeaked, turning a very attractive shade of plum red.

He nodded, holding back a grimace at the unwanted memories that accompanied it. "He's quite upset. He wasn't…himself today."

If possible, Sakura reddened further "Please do not feel as if you are responsible. This was my own decision," she mumbled.

"Will you be happy?"

She gulped and nodded. "If Fai-san is happy then I will be too."

Fai looked at her, confused. "I don't see…wait…" he paused. His wonderful rainbow senses were tingling. They were tingling most uncomfortably. "You plan to elope with Nokoru, right?" he said cautiously.

Sakura looked astonished. "Nokoru? Fai-san, I…" she faltered and then yelled, "it's…it's you that I love the most, Fai-san!"

"Oh, for the love of - "

Thunder split apart the sky.

A flash of lightning accompanied it and before he knew it Sakura was pressing herself too close to him for comfort.

"You're so nice and so pretty," she enthused. "You're good at cooking and cleaning, you can draw, you can shop, you can levitate_ and _your magic circles are always at least two metres wide! I believe that you would be the perfect housewife!"

"Heh, well it's not _real _magic unless…wait…" he paused, "housewife?"

"I plan to top!" she announced, thumping her chest in a most manly way.

"…That could work." He said and almost instantly hit himself for saying such a thing. Well, it was only the truth. "I mean, from an objective perspective only! There's no way that I - "

"Please, Fai-san, put this on," Sakura handed him a large, frilly, black and pink dress, complete with cat ears. The label read: Card catching garment. **75 percent magic 25 percent pixie dust. Hand washable only.**

Well, if Sakura thought that he would wear it, she had another thing coming. Only idiots wore garments that could not be washed by efficient means.

"Sakura-chan, I think that I understand!" he quickly threw the dress aside. "You're doing this because you're frustrated and need release. I understand! See that big pink sign there? Go forth and seek out its source and there you will find the miracle of gay porn!" he cried, pointing to the big, neon pink arrows that he had passed earlier. "Quick! It has already claimed Syaoran-kun! Go before it gets you too! Gay porn is your only hope left, Sakura-chan!"

"No! I'm not a child, Fai-san, and when I say that I love you I mean it!"

"Sakura-chan!" he breathed, astounded by her resolve.

"Fai-san!"

"Sakura-chan!"

"Fai-san!"

"Sakura-chan!"

"Fai-san!"

"Stop!" Fai suddenly shouted, bringing them out of their infinite loop. "If we start this, Beetrain will surely sue us for plagiarism! They must protect their most brilliant lines from people like us!"

"But Fai-san, I love you! What do you want me to do?" she protested.

"I don't know! Dance? Sing – actually, don't do that, you already wasterd a whole bloody episode with your singing – Get drunk! Be gay with Tomoyo-chan! Just don't start an incestuous relationship with me, woman!"

"F – Fai-san!" Sakura gasped, clearly wounded.

He supposed that it was time for him to feel guilty. He would have felt guilty if a) he was not such a bitch b)someone gave him some damn sugar and c) another vortex did not suddenly open up in the dark sky.

Fai stood up, praying for the love of God that it was some big, shady guy that liked to top like, say, Fuuma or Taishakuten or even Yukito. No, Yukito was the most fearsome one of them all.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, however one wished to look at it, it was not a big, shady guy like Fuuma or Taishakuten or even Yukito but a young sex kitten, fully equipped in her human form.

"Wow, Chi, you're just like the common cold!"

The cat-like girl nodded happily, until she lay her eyes on Sakura sitting next to Fai.

"You! Chi belongs with Fai!" she cried, assuming the position of a ninja kitten. "You shall be defeated!"

Without a moment's thought, enraged, Sakura stood up, challenging Chi's ninja kitten style with the pose of any good magical girl. "I won't go easy on you! Fai-san is going to be the latest addition to my personal harem!"

"Your personal harem?" Fai titled his head to one side, wondering if he would ever get a say in all of this.

"It was a late gift from my father. Yue-san is getting lonely in there by himself," Sakura explained. "I will not back down, peasant girl!"

"For your information, Chi is a direct descendant of Hello Kitty!"

Fai watched them square each other off with vague amusement. "Yue-san does sound tempting," he mused, "but I think that I'll pass. Have fun mauling each other!" he offered them his best wishes and ran.

Neither of them seemed to notice him running for the hills. Amongst the shouts and screams of, "Mega splendid stationery attack!" and "Divine honourable meow meow time!" they were quite oblivious to his get-away.

Fai thought he had finally lost the bitches once and for all but still he kept glancing over his shoulder as he ran. This proved to be disastrous as it was not long before he bumped into none other than Kurogane.

* * *

So now it's Kurogane's turn to get the Fai treatment. Hang in there Fai! 


	5. KuroganeFai

Here we go the KuroFai chapter. It was hard at first because I was trying to keep Kurogane in character but once you throw his personality to the wind it's okay. Also, I was asked how many people I would pair Fai with. I only have Mokona and Yuuko left and I think I'll stick with that plan.

* * *

Featuring Fai and Kurogane

XX

The rain finally eased up and both Fai and Kurogane were left standing alone in the cold forest. They stared at each other in shock, neither of them expecting to run in to the other.

"I've just run the marathon!" Fai laughed and sat down with relief, exhausted.

Kurogane stopped to consider his presence for a moment. All manners of things were flying through his head before he finally spoke.

"Well, I suppose it's good that I bumped into you. I wanted to talk to you anyway," he sighed and sat next to the man on the leaf-littered floor.

"Ready to declare your undying love to me, Kuro-chan? Join the queue," Fai grinned but Kurogane seemed hardly amused.

"Listen idiot! Those fangirls are getting impatient!" he snapped.

"So? Throw them some more subtext and they'll be fine," Fai wearily handed over a box labelled 'ambiguous sex'

Kurogane accepted the box somewhat dubiously but Fai, too tired from having run from every human encounter thus far, stretched himself over the damp ground unaware of his companion's unsatisfied disposition.

"That won't work anymore," Kurogane hissed, though he stuffed the box underneath his cape nevertheless. "Those fangirls have been thinking that we actually did it during those sixth months alone in Yama! What are you going to do when they find out that all we really did for those sixth months is run around in circles doing the hokey pokey?"

Fai sighed and yawned, hardly paying any attention.

"You need to do…that thing," Kurogane whispered.

"With my mouth?"

"No!" he snapped. "Well, yes…maybe…I mean…" he cleared his throat and shook his head. "You need to start angsting and being weepy so that I can comfort you and then the fangirls will be all 'aww, isn't it love?'"

"I'm tired, Kuro-chi!" Fai groaned. He had, after all, been subjected to two confessions of love, both from his own children, two rounds of attempted rape from large, shady characters and been stalked by a sexually charged cat-girl who had a tendency to come back as often as the common cold. He deserved a holiday in Majorca after this. "It's exhausting being depressed all the time and it's not good for my face. I'll get wrinkles," he moaned.

At Fai refusal, Kurogane's expression dangerously darkened. "I see, so that's how you feel," he muttered, "even after all that I've done for you. Even after all that love I give you."

"Like chasing me around with your sword and shouting at me?"

"The sword is a metaphor! A metaphor!" he cried, blushing furiously. "I - I love you Fai!"

"Oh."

"You don't look very thrilled."

Fai shrugged and waved a dismissive hand. "If you had been through what I've just been through, you wouldn't be particularly thrilled either."

"You could have at least pretended," Kurogane muttered.

"Now, now, I think that it was very good for your first try," Fai sat up, patting the big ninja's shoulder reassuringly.

"You could have still at least pretended," Kurogane drew his knees to his chest and continued to sulk into his arms.

"C'mon, be a big boy! It's not a big deal!" Fai gently chided him. "Besides, you must admit that a relationship between you and me would never work."

"What?" Kurogane's head instantly shot up. "It would work! It would so work!"

"Yeah, like a Windows 95," he sniggered.

"Give me one reason why it wouldn't work!"

Fai paused for a moment. "Uh…well, I'm currently on a time-out with Ashura-ou, though we are still technically dating so I'm attached. I couldn't possibly cheat on him."

Kurogane stared at him in silence.

"What?" Fai laughed, albeit rather nervously. He cleared his throat, assuming a hopefully intimidating pose, he roared. "You dare doubt my fidelity, mortal?"

More silence only followed.

He coughed uncomfortably. "Um…okay, well how about the fact that I don't want to be close to anyone because I'm afraid of others getting hurt?"

"That's alright. I like S and M," Kurogane replied indifferently.

"This isn't S and M! This is burning over the fiery flames of hell!"

"So it's hot S and M, what's the difference?" he shrugged.

"What about the fact the nothing has happened between us more than some harmless flirting?"

"What the f - " Kurogane pulled out a mountain of paper work from behind his cloak. Since his cloak was a ninja's cloak and therefore could defy the laws of physics, Fai reasoned that this was not improbable.

The mountain of papers all had a big, bright red stamp across them labelled, 'sex?!' across the heading as well as pictures of several well known celebrities dancing naked haphazardly stuffed between the sheets.

"What the hell do you call all of this subtext then?" Kurogane thrust a thumb towards the wavering pile of paper.

"What about your wish to go back to Nihon?"

"That's only because that bitch Souma owes me a pig. In Nihon, we gamble with pigs," he explained upon Fai's curious stare.

"What about _my_ wish to keep to running?"

"I don't see how that would be a problem."

Fai hesitated again. He did not dare lose to Kurogane.

"What about your love for Tomoyo?"

"Now I just know that you're running out of ideas," Kurogane smirked, feeling victory at hand. "Admit defeat, mage!"

"Never!" Fai shot back, which was shortly followed by Kurogane's out burst of, "I – I love you Fai!" which abruptly killed any sort of tension that they were working towards.

"Well, you can't blame me for trying twice," he grumbled.

Fai was wondering if Kurogane would try for a third time lucky but fortunately could not start taking bets before Mokona bounced on scene.

"Fai!" it called in its cutesy little voice, earned through years of intensive training at CLAMP's cutesy mascot academy before it was shut down for animal cruelty. Of course, those years of intense rivalry and crippling training to become the cutest of the cute™ had left Mokona crippled and mentally scarred for the rest of its life.

This was one of the many reasons why, with an evil glint in its eye, Mokona grabbed Fai's middle finger and urged him away from Kurogane. "Fai, come with Mokona! Mokona wants to bring you to a happy place," it cried exuberantly.

"We were talking, damn pork bun!" Kurogane, with his mad ninja skillz, sensed the inherent evil within it and vainly tried to grab the offending animal.

"Mokona does not have to answer to you. Mokona knows that you're Fai's bitch," it retorted.

"What?" Kurogane roared.

"The truth hurts, Kuro-bottom, gotta run!" Fai waved cheerfully, oblivious to the doom that awaited him.

"Wait, what about the fangirls?" Kurogane shouted as Fai was pulled away by a very insistent magical animal.

"Just do it with Syaoran-kun, it's all the same!"

* * *

So Kurogane's going to go molest Syaoran? Fai is being led to his demise? Please look forward to the MokoFai chapter.


	6. MokoFai

To those of you who may of noticed the 'complete' status, you may be wondering what happened to the Yuuko Fai chapter. I suppose that there is no nice way of saying that it just wasn't working.

* * *

Featuring Mokona and Fai

XX

"Mokona has been talking to the other Mokona and we think that it's time," Mokona said as it led Fai by the arm, as far away from Kurogane as possible, and across yet another open field.

Fortunately, the rain had stopped a while ago and so Fai had no objection to being dragged to about this most uninteresting landscape.

"It's time? Time for tea?" Fai guessed. He was having a craving for tea. And Maryland cookies. He needed his sugar.

"No."

"Lemon tea?"

"No."

"Citrus tea?"

"No!" it cried. "Mokona thinks it's time to reveal the true purpose of this journey."

"You mean, our true purpose wasn't to see how many times we could get laid in each world?"

Mokona shook its head sadly.

"Crap, and I was winning as well!"

"The true purpose of your journey was to train you in the ways of the bishounen until you could join Yuuko's harem!"

"Why does every woman here have a harem?" Fai cried. He had only just managed to escape becoming part of Sakura's harem…though Yue was a tempting proposition.

Ignoring Fai's exasperated question, Mokona continued. "It was for this reason that we had you dress up in different clothes. It was to see which style fit you best," it explained, "Fai looks hot in knee-high boots!"

"Well, they are rather sexy," he admitted.

"We also had you angst at every possible convenient time. It adds to your appeal," Mokona nodded, leading him along to where a little black thing stood against the green grass.

As Fai neared the black lump, it turned itself into the black Mokona. He opened his mouth to ask just why and how the other Mokona was here when it clicked its…paws…and cried impatiently, "It's time, yo!"

At a second click, a large dimensional fortress sprung from the ground

"W - Wait," Fai hesitated. Perhaps it was just his imagination, but he was starting to get suspicious of this.

"Don't worry, Mokona is allowed to use the harem. Mokona will be your first customer," the white Mokona reassured him just as the second one dive kicked his head, forcing forward, closer and closer towards the portal.

"Wait! I don't think my mother approves of mixed-species relationships!"

"Hurry up foo', before I pop a cap in yo' ass!"

With surprising strength, the black Mokona pushed him forward, shoving him into the portal. Fai yelped and grabbed onto the sides, resisting being sucked in with all of his magical, rainbow strength.

"You tricked me Mokona! I thought that we were going to McDonalds!" Fai yelled as he vainly struggled and writhed. "You said that we were going to a happy place, didn't you? A happy place!"

Yet he was spared from his untimely fate by what could only be described as divine intervention. He knew that there had to be a reason that Kurogane always made him steal food from altars, even if he did wear a lot or rubber around him after Fai had performed the act.

A loud gong echoed down from the hills, seeming to have been struck from somewhere high above the clouds. At the sound of this gong, both Mokona stopped shoving Fai into the portal and paused to stare at the sky.

"Wait! It's an interval!" Mokona cried.

Fai pulled himself out of the portal that he had already been halfway engulfed by, looking around tentatively for his escape. "Am I saved?"

"It's the commercial break. You have three minutes to angst as much as you can before we resume our story! Ready? Go!"

"Um…I'm going to be the first character ever to be raped by a bunny rabbit, Ashura liked to dress me up in short shorts, which was mentally crippling to my character, I am stuck travelling with a vegetable, a zombie and a sexually frustrated ninja…"

"Hurry!" Mokona urged to which Fai obligingly sped up the pace.

"I've been assigned the weepy uke role since birth, my mother gave me a girl's name because she knew I'd end up gay, my father does not exist, I am doomed to be tortured because my eyes are big, I was locked in a prison without gummi bears, I was raised on the Spice girls, I am second to Subaru only because the Ashura plot has not been revealed yet, random people like to molest me, I will most probably die in a horrible but romantically tragic way and…and…"

A loud gong sounded somewhere in the distant heavens and the very flow of time resumed.

"Time's up!"

"Okay, back into the portal!" Mokona cried with obscene cheerfulness and a crushing gung-ho attitude. "Mokona Madoki can't wait!"

Fai yelped and tried to duck out of the way but the white Mokona latched onto his leg and held fast. "No, wait!" he cried as the black one piled on top of him too. "Gang rape! Gang rape!"

Even though he always tried to remain optimistic, he could not deny that he was about to be most royally screwed, in the literal as well as the figurative sense of the word. He promised that he would continue stealing from altars if someone saved him now and, surprisingly, his prayers were answered, though not in the way he wished.

Someone up there just did not like him.

Black Mokona suddenly released Fai from the strangle hold it had had on him. Its ears twitched and the blue gem on its forehead began to shine brilliantly.

"It's from the boss woman, yo!" the black Mokona announced an incoming call.

From its head, a channel was opened up, projecting onto a wall of thin air. From the circular projection, Yuuko,sloppily dressed in a half-undone kimono, stared at the three of them with a lazy smile.

How she could possibly contact them with both Mokona away was anyone's guess, but that was a plot hole left unexplored for the sake of everyone's sanity.

"Ah, there you are!" Yuuko's smile sent shivers up his spine. "My, Fai, you're looking sexy!"

"Please, no!" he groaned.

The experience of being chased by his DIY servant and his shampoo-obsessed king, molested any next cherry tree hugger, confessed to by his son, given an offer of marriage from his daughter, fought with an in-the-closet ninja, and almost raped by genderless, magical mascots proved to be too much for even him. Fai fell to his knees, totally and utterly defeated.

The way things were looking, it seemed his only prospect now was to hold a mass orgy.

* * *

And so it ends. Thanks to everyone for reading. 

XX


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